Priorities - MADE MEN
Read Time: 15 mins
This is a trustworthy saying: “If someone aspires to be a church leader, he desires an honorable position.” So a church leader must be a man whose life is above reproach. He must be faithful to his wife. He must exercise self-control, live wisely, and have a good reputation. He must enjoy having guests in his home, and he must be able to teach. He must not be a heavy drinker or be violent. He must be gentle, not quarrelsome, and not love money. He must manage his own family well, having children who respect and obey him. For if a man cannot manage his own household, how can he take care of God’s church?
1 Timothy 3:1-5 NLT
When my dad was a young pastor, he went to a pastoral training conference that changed his life. During the conference, he sat in to listen to a panel of pastors who had gone through the gauntlet of ministry. They were well known and well respected. They were speakers, leaders, administrators and evangelists who had accomplished great feats for the kingdom. They had led building projects and found success in innovative ministries. They were considered the best of the best but there was one issue. During the panel, they brought up the fact that none of their children were still in church and they had the courage to admit that they were the reasons why.
They had given their lives to ministry. They had accomplished great things for the body of Christ and had been seen as public successes but they also had the courage to admit their private failures. Their lives were springboards leading thousands of strangers to Jesus but a stumbling block turning their own children away. How so? They got their priorities mixed up.
They admitted that they had chosen the church over their children. They had chosen the flock over their family. They skipped basketball games to run board meetings. They had chosen sermons over bedtime stories. They had gone out of their way to celebrate accomplishments and attend graduations of church kids while ignoring their own children doing homework at the kitchen table. And while their own children may have been too young to articulate the feeling, they felt cheated on by their fathers and their mistress, the church.
The children saw how their parents sacrificed to wake up at odd hours to rescue members. They listened as they spoke kindly to members who were unkind to them. They took mental note of the times they would take members out to eat, listen to their issues and counsel them through decisions. They’d see how much they would show up for others while also taking note of how often they failed to show up for their own family in the same manner.
This often led to the pastors' wives, and pastors' kids seeing Superman at church and Clark Kent at home. Their fathers would give all of their energy, charisma, creativity and Christianity to others in public while neglecting them in private.
Along with constantly being ripped from the school they just started to make friends at because their dad accepted another move, being held to an unrealistic standard like they were the one who studied theology and being viewed in a fishbowl while constantly playing politician because they’re haunted by the knowledge that every wrong move is liable to headline a church tabloid, the PKs (pastors kids) had to deal with a fraud at home that they couldn’t tell anyone about.
They dealt with the consequences of a call they didn’t sign up for, while being constantly overlooked as the source of their pain put their efforts and attention into the next project. It made their fathers seem fake and Christianity seem superficial. The church took the role of the woman who stole their daddy. Can you feel their pain?
My dad saw this and I’m grateful that he made a decision that he didn’t want to pastor if this would be his reality. He decided to prioritize what so many others neglected so that even if he wasn’t considered successful or fruitful from their standards, he would at least, like Noah, know that his own family was saved.
This looked like a lot of hard decisions and sacrifices. I don’t even know the depth of it because my parents are too humble and protective to tell me and make a big deal about it. I do know that he’s said no to platforms and positions that almost everyone would consider a desired upgrade. He’s passed on opportunities that would elevate how successful others saw him as. Hes turned down money, prestige, pedigree and prominence so that he could be a present parent. He’s risked being seen as less than because he chose us over others. He’s endured ridicule for making decisions that were right for his family.
He’s employed systems like a family night every week where we would rotate between each member of our immediate family choosing an activity for the night. In addition to the family night each week, he would dedicate another night each week to a date night with just my mom to make sure that their friendship flourished.
Both church and school board meetings have been postponed or rescheduled for middle school basketball games that I rode the bench in. Late nights have been spent playing Madden with his sons and early mornings have been spent cleaning the kitchen so that my mom would wake up to a fresh house.
Not only did it teach me how to relate to my own family, it made it so that I knew the church wasn’t my competition. Seeing that my dad was the same at home and work freed me to listen to what he said and watch what he did at both home and work. Now, If he failed to earn my respect or build a credit of rapport or trust, everything he did in the name of God would have pushed me further from the idea of God. But instead, I felt safe enough to see the secret to success. Character breaches didn’t discredit any command or counsel. I believe that my parents' prioritization and sacrifice made it possible for their children to hear the voice of God for themselves instead of running from Christianity as one runs from an abuser. And I personally believe God has had favor and blessed my family much more than he has for those who sacrificed theirs. Clear priorities often led to the positions, platforms and prominence that those who had no boundaries in their own lives dreamed of.
What This Means For You
I tell you this because while you may not be a pastor, the same is true for your life. Priorities need to be a priority. In this text, Paul is telling his mentee, Timothy, that priorities are actually the prerequisite to platform. He says that the one who desires the role of a leader desires a good thing. Ambition is given by God for the will of God. We should dream loftily and ascend the ranks in our corporate worlds. However, Paul warns the higher you go, the more important it is to have a solid foundation. He argues for signs of a strong personal life over a public persona. Twice he mentions that a solid family life is the true test of if you’re ready for higher levels of leadership.
Your family life proves who you are in real life. Your family gives a glimpse of your personal life and can help to reveal whether or not your accolades and accomplishments may be only skin deep. Your family can often help to show what you’re made of. This is important because the higher you go, the more integrity is necessary. The higher you go the more systems for success need to be implemented. The higher you go, the more the details matter.
In a world where people buy followers to make it look like they have impact instead of actually building impact, this truth is often abandoned. We buy fake shoes, wear fake jewelry and curate fake posts to push false narratives. It’s all a sign of a deeper heart condition. Many of us believe it’s ok to be a fraud, as long as you look like a success. We are so image conscious and insecure that we believe it’s ok to be wrong as long as others think we’re right. But I wanna let you know that the people who actually have the “it” factor can smell right through the facade. Workers know when you aren’t working, and Jesus says that everything done in the dark will eventually come to light. A rainy day will wash away what you tried to cover up.
Paul is telling us not to cut corners. Don’t cheat the process or cheapen the accomplishment. Paul is telling us that the often private inner work is more important than the often praised outer accomplishment. It doesn’t matter what position you hold if you aren’t that guy in real life.
It’s important that we learn to have proper priorities. Now, you have to recognize that prioritizing something does not mean that other things are not also important. However, it does mean that some things require more attention or effort in this season than other important things may. This is why it’s important for us to think this thing through.
Don’t drop the wrong ball
I want you to imagine that you're juggling things that are important to you. But here’s the catch. Some of the balls are rubber while others are glass. Everything is important but some things will bounce if they fall while others will break.
I want you to think about the things that will truly survive without you and honestly think about the things that won’t. I’m not saying you have to drop any of the balls you’re juggling, but being honest about which ones cannot drop actually makes it easier for you to balance the rest.
Your family cannot get another dad. Sure, your wife could remarry but that hole left by a biological father will always be there. No amount of uncles, grandparents, coaches or friends can fully replace the void left by an absent father. That’s a glass ball.
You may be important at work, but I guarantee that if you die tomorrow they’ll start interviewing for your role in the next 5-7 business days. While it is important, that’s a rubber ball. Do you catch what I’m saying?
When we try to make everything equal, nothing is. But when we are honest about our real order of priorities, we can manage the rest. I know so many parents who don’t seem to understand that their relationship with their kids is jaded in part because they chose a rubber ball over a glass ball. They chose a boyfriend over a daughter. They chose work over a son. They chose superficial success over gifting their child with a feeling of safety and security now their kids don’t trust them. They feel dropped, and broken. It’s not impossible to regroup and heal after a drop. With God, therapy, and very honest reflection and conversation, there is hope. However it’s so much easier to avoid a break than try to rebound from one.
Function like a Fountain
Another way we can better prioritize is to view our lives like a fountain. I want you to imagine it. Can you see a fountain with multiple tiers? As water fills the smallest bowl at the top, it overflows into the next. When that bowl is filled, it then overflows into the next and so on.
While the biggest bowls at the bottom are easiest to see and most impressive, they only see prosperity because of the overflow of the smaller and less visible bowls. Your life can and should flow like this.
Health in private areas is the secret to success in public areas. Prioritizing your own mental, spiritual and physical health will make it possible for you to love your wife at the highest level of your capacity. Loving and prioritizing your wife will make parenting a lot easier. You’ll have a healthy teammate and not a burden you have to tiptoe around. A healthy family unit will make your work life more likely to prosper. Leaving home healed, whole, and happy will make it so much easier to perform. You’ll know what you’re fighting for. Each group benefits the others and it all starts with the inner.
Pyramid of Priorities
You can also view your priorities like a pyramid. A pyramid can only go as high as its base is strong. If you want the more visible and “impressive” areas of your life to succeed, you have to prioritize building strength of the base. More time, energy, money and effort goes into the base so that the top can grow. All the resources aren’t just put into the top. Majority of the resources are put into the base to the benefit of the top.
Priority looks like the effort and energy we extend. It looks like time and tenacity. It looks like quantity and quality. If you say something is important, your effort has to line up. Are you really putting the resources into what you say is powering your whole operation?
Many of us put more time and effort into impressing our employers than loving our spouses. Which one do our actions say are really more important to us? I’m not saying you always have to lower your attention to your employer, but if there is an imbalance you must up your attention to your spouse. If you can earn points with the person you don’t really like, you can put the same if not greater effort into earning points with the person you say you love. Priority is about the energy, effort and attention you give something.
When you start to incorporate these principles into your own life, you’ll be able to almost seamlessly order the important parts of your life. Situations and circumstances may change some of the inner details and how things may look practically from season to season, but this is the order of operations I try to use.
First priority - Personal Wholeness.
This encompasses my spiritual, mental, emotional and physical needs. This is where I prioritize what powers everything else. For example, If I’m not emotionally healthy, I’ll fail in my relationship with my wife and bleed on those I’m trying to help at work.
There may even be a hierarchy and some juggling within the categories themselves. For me, my personal spirituality will always be my number one. I believe that I can only do all things through Christ. Like the age-old airline announcement says, I believe that I must put my own mask on first to make sure I don’t pass out before I can help others. I can’t produce fruit without first abiding in the root so that will always be most important and receive the most of my effort, energy, time and attention. It’s not selfish to prioritize what is powering you.
Some areas after that shift from time to time based on need and what I feel may be missing. If I don’t feel healthy or like I’ve been prioritizing my physical health, I may put more effort into that arena. If I’m stressed and feeling it slows me down in other areas, I may prioritize time to sit outside, read, run and clear my head. What I do may change but it’s all the same goal. I’m prioritizing the personal practices that power me. This is where faithfulness to God, personal development, therapy, and physical wellness lies.
Second Priority - My wife.
The Bible says that the two would become one. Marriage makes you a unit. That means that not prioritizing my wife is like not prioritizing half of myself. Ephesians 5 says, “husbands should love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body. Instead he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.”
If I believe in the first priority, It only makes sense to believe in the second one. Not prioritizing my wife would be like only working out the left side of my body. That's just dumb.
I remember presenting on this for a men’s group and a guy trying to argue against it. I can 100% assume he has had bad experiences with women that left him believing that there aren’t any good ones that could be such a formidable force for his benefit. That assumption was actually confirmed for me after the presentation when I learned more about his personal life. Maybe you’re the same way. You’ve been hurt by being too close to the wrong person. Intimacy led to abuse for you. I get it and I’m sorry.
I challenge you to seek a deeper level of trust in God for this. It’s going to require you opening up to Him in a new way so that you can open up to someone else. The Bible we say we follow says that he who finds a wife finds a good thing and receives favor from the Lord. That means that there is a type of favor that only comes when you have your teammate. Proverbs says that two are better than one because they can fight back to back and defeat a whole army. Jesus sent the disciples out two by two because he knew they’d need support. God saw Adam in a perfect world and said that the only thing that wasn’t good was the fact that he didn’t have Eve yet. While we all may not be called to marriage, don’t avoid building the blessing you may be called to.
Don’t neglect your own body. I haven’t been married for long but I’ve seen some of the dividends that come from investing in your wife. I don’t want to say it’s easy. It’s not. But the worst challenges are worth it in the best ways. It’s like every time I pour into her I get ten fold back. Feeding her is like feeding myself. Fighting for her is like fighting for myself.
Prioritization should look like consistent pouring. Are you actively looking for opportunities to connect? Are you trying to get your work done quickly so that you can sneak over to your wife and surprise her for lunch? Do you build your schedule around her? Do you put yourself through the difficult disciplines of self development so that you can show up better for her? Do you study her like you would a final exam? Do you know how to fill her love tank and have you implemented systems to make deposits? So many people are emotionally bankrupt, that doesn’t have to be you and your wife. Have you learned her emotional currency so you’re working smarter and not harder to love her in ways she can appreciate? Don’t assume she wants to be loved in the same ways you do.
Oftentimes God places us with people who have emotional desires and needs that are opposite to ours. It creates balance but also creates a chance for growth. If you’re more private, she’d probably desire more public displays of affection and adoration. I sometimes seek out crowds when I want to rest but my wife seeks silence. Me talking her head off doesn’t fill her as much as a good conversation would fill me. You have to study what works and continually learn because people will change and grow. Ask questions and pay attention to answers. Reading books like His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley Jr., For Men Only and For Women Only by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn, and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman can help in this mission.
Do the other women you interact with know that she outranks them? Does she know she outranks them? Do your actions show it? Don't leave any room for her to feel like her role is up for debate.
Third Priority - Children
I have not been blessed with children as of writing this, but they do have a reserved seat at priority three. If you have children, it’s important that they’re also prioritized. I’m currently reading Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend and it is further reminding me how important prioritizing parenting is when it comes to raising children who have a healthy sense of worth, identity and emotional wellbeing.
The immediate family as a whole should come after personal health and before career but it’s important that we’re clear that children come after the spousal relationship. Statistics show that while men are more likely to put work over family, women are likely to put children over their husband. This little shift can seem harmless but can lead to detrimental consequences.
The husband or wife choosing the children over the spouse can lead to an “us vs them” mentality and a distancing from the spouse they were designed to partner with. While God has worked well through single parents, we have to acknowledge that it is never the ideal. Don’t alienate your teammates and risk losing them and what they bring to the table. A potential divorce or separation would hurt your child much more than many of us can even conceptualize, while a prioritization of the spouse would benefit the child more than we realize.
Remember, putting a spouse first doesn’t mean that the children are not prioritized. It means they are in place. Your children will actually feel safer and more confident when they know that you prioritize your spouse because then they can be sure that the family unit is secure. There’s a fullness and confidence that comes from a healthy family. There are some intangible qualities that children raised in a strong unit grow to possess. Prioritizing your marriage is prioritizing your children.
Fourth Priority - Work.
This priority is often inflated at the expense of the other priorities. Remember, you are not your work. Work is simply a tool for you to live out your mandate to give glory to God.
Remember, it’s important but it must remain in order. It’s beneficial, but is best succeeded when in its place. Priority one, two and three are more likely to benefit priority four than priority four is likely to benefit the three preceding it.
You cannot work yourself into relational prosperity. Studies show that your wife and kids would rather have less money with more time and relational intimacy than more gifts and a distant relationship. Now, I’m not telling you to be poor and not succeed. And I’m not telling you that your family won’t also appreciate the prosperity that work success can allow, but I want you to catch this order.
Over working at the expense of your health will kill you before you can even enjoy the fruit of your labor. But prioritizing health will increase your ability to produce at work. Keep it in order. Overworking at the expense of your wife and kids will lead to you having no one to share your abundance with. However, prioritizing your wife and kids will typically lead to a greater abundance at work.
It may sound counter cultural to some but I’m a witness that moving from the inside out pays dividends. God will bless your labor when you prioritize what he prioritizes. As I’ve said, I’ve seen it in my dad’s life. I’ve seen it in the lives of others and I’ve seen it in my own life.
Again, I’m not telling you to be reckless or unprofessional. I am, however, telling you to be faithful. If you put God first, there is a special favor you will receive. Others who are out of order won’t get it. I remember many times when the Holy Spirit has told me to decline some things that at this stage in life I’d consider “high profile” professional work to prioritize some inner work. I can’t lie, it hurts at the moment. But I'd be holding back if I didn’t tell you it’s always been worth it. I know God will keep taking me down the path of “do you trust me” and it’ll lead to more saying no when the impact and influence that comes from opportunities can lead to momentum, platform, position or even financial gain. Again, it’s hard but it’s never not been worth it.
Sometimes I see things God was protecting me from or preparing me for after the fact. Sometimes He tells me to say no so that I have space for something bigger. Sometimes it’s so I’m rested for something stressful that’s coming in the future. For some things, I may never know why He asked me to prioritize inner over outer in that moment but I must trust Him.
At the end of the day, this really is all about trust and faithfulness. God's way is always better and he is asking if you are willing to submit to Him fully? Are you willing to pattern your life in a way that proves you chose what He chooses? It’ll be hard. There are many opportunities to be tempted. But Jesus chose what others would think was unnecessary to accomplish what they thought was impossible. No one would pick a manger or a poor family but His priorities were different. No one would pick a Peter or a John or a Judas but He had a different plan. No one would pick a cross vs a crown but He did. Oftentimes it’s what people think is smaller, dirtier, or the most insignificant that is the key to winning. It’s ok to desire greatness. Just make sure the inner work you’re willing to put in matches. Keep your priorities straight.
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