Active Listening
*Communication Exercises and Concepts are at the Bottom After the Devotional*
“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters! Let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger. For human anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness.”
James 1:19-20 NET
According to the Harvard Business Review, 74% of people feel they are misunderstood or not listened to in daily conversations. This is concerning because being heard and understood is one of the core human desires. According to a BetterHelp survey, 82% of people feel more valued when someone truly listens to them. According to the Harvard Medical Journal, being listened to reduces stress hormones like cortisol and increases oxytocin, the same trust, bonding, and connection hormone that is released during things like sex, childbirth, and breastfeeding. Being listened to is literally healing for both the one being understood and the one seeking to understand. Those who feel heard by their doctor are 3x more likely to follow treatment plans. Loneliness decreases when people have “at least one good listener” in their lives. Listening-centered therapy shows higher recovery rates in depression and anxiety compared to advice-giving alone. Employees who feel listened to are 4.6x more likely to feel empowered at work, and teams with leaders who practice active listening show 47% higher performance.
The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy would tell us that the highest need of your spouse in your romantic relationship is to feel listened to. Forbes would tell us that active listening as a part of their communication is one of the top skills people desire from their managers in the business world, and doctors would tell you that listening and being listened to is one of the most underrated causes for benefit in everything from mental health to blood pressure management. Listening is important. Listening is the cheat code for relational success.
You can listen to anyone’s complaints about their spouse, church, parents, or politicians, and they’ll likely communicate that they don’t feel heard or understood. To be heard and understood is a core need and desire, yet it’s missing from many of our relationships and encounters. Jesus saw it necessary to make those around Him feel seen, known, and understood, yet loved, and I believe we are called to the same thing. This is why I believe that in the same breath as telling us to not just be hearers of the word but be doers of it, James tells us to be quick to listen. It’s by making space to know and love people that we live out what Jesus did and does for us. It’s by being humble enough to see people as equals, putting ourselves in their shoes and sympathizing enough to partner with them and carry their burdens that we fulfill the law of Christ.
Now this sounds simple, but I want to stress this because as a pastor, I see how much this skill is lacking. Don’t be the church member who hears a message and thinks, “This is so good for so and so” but ignores the application to their own life. Pause and reflect. We can all grow in this department. I hear sons talk about being afraid to talk to their fathers. I hear daughters say that talking to their mothers is like talking to a brick wall. Husbands feel denigrated by their anxious and defensive wives. Wives feel forgotten by absent-minded and closed-off husbands. Brothers feel distant. Sisters are distracted. Generations whose strengths could heal the others' weaknesses are at odds. And we have to do our part to stop this cycle.
There are three things the text tells us that I want to focus on: being quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. The text first calls us to be quick to listen. This argues for active and not passive listening. We should be searching for opportunities to learn and understand those around us. We should be seeking out opportunities for connection and communication.
Quick to Listen
Being an active listener is defined as the process of fully engaging to hear and understand a speaker's message, both verbal and non-verbal, by focusing on their message, asking clarifying questions, providing thoughtful feedback, and paraphrasing to ensure understanding. Key techniques include giving your full attention, using open body language, asking open-ended questions, and reflecting back what you've heard to confirm understanding, all of which foster trust and deeper connection. Again, it sounds simple, but it’s often proven that we could do better in this department.
Give your full attention to the person you are engaging with and the Holy Spirit’s prompting during the conversation. One of my pet peeves is when people say they want to talk or get to know you, and when you finally make time, they’re making phone calls or watching TV. Give attention. Something that can help is paraphrasing what is being said to make sure you understand. It’s funny how many conversations you can have and not be on the same page because no one clarified definitions or what someone meant by what they were saying. No matter how impressive the blueprint, the building will fail if the builders have different rulers. Definitions are like the rulers in conversation. Use phrases like “so, what I hear you saying is…” and ask them to clarify their feelings to make sure you get it. Ask questions to understand and comfort, not necessarily to communicate your own thoughts at the moment.
“A fool takes no pleasure in understanding but only in disclosing what is on his mind.”
Proverbs 18:2 NET
“The one who gives an answer before he listens – that is his folly and his shame.”
Proverbs 18:13 NET
Slow to Speak
Sometimes you should speak less while listening. Again, follow the Spirit’s prompting as situations, histories, and personality may impact how situations need to be dealt with. While Jesus asked deep and intimate questions with the woman at the well and the blind man at the pool, He kept conversation brief with the woman caught in adultery. Job’s friends did enough by just sitting and crying with him. The Holy Spirit will at times give a word of knowledge or encouragement for you to use or share for the benefit of the parties, but remember that the less you speak, the more your words mean when you finally open your mouth. Suspend your unsolicited advice. Everyone may not be ready for it. I think one of the hardest things for men to learn is that women often just want to get their feelings out and be understood. People don’t always want solutions, advice, or action steps right away. It’s not always the time to speak. Just be present. Just listen. You were given one mouth and two ears. Which do you think God expected to do more of the work?
Can I add a quick note to this concept? Research argues that much of communication is actually nonverbal. We can sometimes communicate more through tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language than words alone. Be intentional about how you express yourself nonverbally. Be slow to make faces. Be slow to roll your eyes and sigh when something you don’t like happens. Be slow to mumble under your breath when someone you don’t like speaks. Be intentional about using body language that communicates love and care. You are communicating more than you know even if you don’t use words.
Take the time to process and go over what was said before responding. Listen to understand and not just respond. We often shoot without being clear on the target. Slow down. As Kawhi Leonard said, “Slow is Pro.” A more deliberate and measured approach often leads to better outcomes by prioritizing quality, accuracy, and safety over speed. It’s better to measure ten times and cut once than to measure once and recut ten times. Saying the right thing once is better than saying ten good things to make up for one hundred bad things. Not many things are ruined because of patience, but impatience and rushing are almost always the cause of ruin. Speak less. Listen more. All through the book of Proverbs we are told that words mean more when they’re rare.
“The truly wise person restrains his words, and the one who stays calm is discerning. Even a fool who remains silent is considered wise, and the one who holds his tongue is deemed discerning.”
Proverbs 17:27-28 NET
Slow to Get Angry
We aren’t just told to be slow to speak; we are told to be slow to get angry. It’s no accident that these admonitions go together because the reason many of us speak too quickly is that we can’t identify and rein in our anger... or other emotions.
Anger is often considered a secondary emotion by psychologists. A primary emotion is the first raw emotion we feel, and the secondary emotion we feel is a response to that. If you are afraid, anger may be your body’s way of trying to protect itself. Anger can mask fear, disgust, hurt, or shame. It can be a reaction to deeper feelings being felt.
So when someone shares something that hurts you, you may feel something welling up inside of you to fight, defend, or prove yourself. Insecurity may be triggered as confrontation shines light on your flaws. Guilt may be triggered as you’re reminded of the consequences your mistakes had on others. Hurt may be triggered as people reveal ways they misunderstood, misjudged, or mischaracterized you in the past.
The temptation will be to fight, but our text says that anger doesn’t produce righteousness. Remember, Romans chapter two tells us that it’s God's kindness that leads to repentance. Doing for others what God did for you is actually what will lead to transformation.
I’m not saying to ignore emotions. Feel them. You need them to sympathize and care. You need them to be like God. But the Bible says to be angry but sin not. Don’t allow what you feel to push you into problematic decisions. Ask yourself why you’re so angry, embarrassed, afraid, or ashamed. Ask yourself why you’re always irritated or annoyed. Why is it so easy to get under your skin? Why do you feel anxious? Why don't you feel safe? Peter Scazzero, in his book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, argues that you cannot be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature. I believe many of us are limiting our spiritual growth because we won’t let God dictate our emotional growth.
Could it be that the reason you aren’t experiencing the intimacy you seek with God and others is because of your lack of emotional health? You allow your emotions to control you instead of using them as sensors for the world around you, and it’s holding you back. Or maybe you are afraid of feeling because of the hurt you’ve experienced before, and now you ignore and hold back emotion. That is what is stopping you from connecting to the people you’re called to love.
I truly believe that many of the people we are called to connect with are afraid to talk to us because they know we aren’t slow to get angry. We may think we are quick to listen and slow to speak, but because we are quick to get angry, we are setting traps for those we’re called to love. Imagine if Jesus said, “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you wrath.” Many of us are living like that. We wonder why no one visits us anymore. We wonder why our kids can’t wait to move out. We wonder why our spouses are distant. We wonder why we don't have friends like other people do. We wonder why relationships never last. Could it be your emotional health? Could it be that they don’t feel safe to be close because you have a short fuse?
What does this look like? You attack when misunderstanding threatens you, when you could just ask questions and realize there is no real issue. You are quick to fight when patience and a calm answer would turn away wrath. You blow up when you feel guilt instead of being secure enough to admit you were wrong and accept the consequences of your actions. You shut up, shut down, or push back when scared, and now your kids have stopped trying to open up around you.
Good relationships require mutual respect, understanding, and commitment to personal growth. If you stop growing, the relationship will too. So don’t just listen to this message, do something about it. For some, we have to face childhood trauma to understand why we react the way we do. For others, we have to be bold enough to admit that everything isn’t perfect in the first place. We have to acknowledge the emotion we seem to be ignoring. For some, it may be taking the step and doing the hard work of going to a trusted Christian counselor or Therapist. I know it sometimes feels like you're holding a closet door closed so that the monster of emotions you stuffed inside won’t come out, but it’s worth it to face it. Your family, friends, and church will thank you.
In John 17, Jesus calls us to have the type of unity He has with the Father. This will only happen if we allow the Spirit to mold us and help us to listen, love, and live with each other as Jesus does. As we learn to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and emotionally mature enough to control our anger, we will build relationships that will transform our families, churches, and lives. Are you ready to put in the hard work?
A few exercises and concepts to implement in your communication
Here are a few mindsets and practices to consider as you communicate and navigate conflict.
Validate before solving. While validation isn't agreement, it is understanding. It means communicating: “Given what you experienced, I understand why you feel that way.” Only after validation should you move to solutions. A helpful order is to understand, validate, clarify, and then solve. Many reverse it.
Learn the difference between intent and impact. You can have good intentions and still hurt someone. Both can be true, and often are. Healthy communication allows both truths: “I know you didn't mean to hurt me.” AND “It still hurts.” “I didn't intend that.” AND “I understand why it affected you that way.” Feelings, actions, and relationships aren't always black and white. Do the work of finding clarity and comfort in the grey areas of both/and.
Use curiosity instead of assumptions. Replace conclusions with questions. Instead of asking, “Why are you so distant?” try, “I've noticed you've seemed quieter lately. What's going on?” Curiosity paired with a safe landing place builds connection, but assumptions and jumping to conclusions can feel like judgment and create distance.
Assume positive intent until proven otherwise. Instead of assuming you were or will be intentionally targeted with wrongdoing, ask yourself, “What might explain this besides malice?” Most conflict comes from stress, fear, misunderstanding, exhaustion, or different expectations, not intended harm. Assume innocence until proven guilty, and you'll be a lot softer, feel a lot safer, and be less accusatory in interactions as you ask for clarity.
Practice reflective listening. This is one of the biggest ones I wish couples would get. After someone shares, summarize, reflect, and clarify. Essentially, before you respond, make sure you understood not just what they said but what they meant to say. You can summarize, reflect, and clarify by saying something like, “What I’m hearing is… [what you think they're saying]. That sounds frustrating [sympathize with the emotion under what they're saying]. Did I get that right [clarify you understood what they were trying to communicate]?” Communication is like playing catch with ideas, and before you throw another thought back, you have to make sure you completely caught what was thrown your way.
Practice emotional labeling. Practice is the word because this will take work, but the more you work, the more reward you'll receive. Imagine me asking you to come fix a leak in a building somewhere in the United States. Now, we'd have a shared goal, but while you'd want to help, you'd have no idea where to go or any specifics on what to do about my problem. On the other hand, if I gave you my specific address, told you what room the leak was in, and all the other information I had about it, would it be easier to address and solve the problem? For sure. Research suggests that simply naming the emotion reduces its intensity. And the more precise the emotion, the easier it is to address. Go beyond “good”, “bad,” “sad”, “mad,” and “fine.” You may have to get an emotion wheel to better describe the type of sad. You may have to build muscles to better explain where the sadness is coming from. Dig deeper and reflect more. Use richer language to clearly articulate where the pain is coming from. Don't just say my right side hurts. Don't just say my hand hurts. Don't just say my finger hurts. If you can, try to point out which finger. Exercise: Take time for weekly Rose, Bud and Thorn. A rose is a good thing, a bud is something you are excited for or building towards, and a thorn is something that is bothering you. Share and provide space.
Ask Better Questions. How do you help someone explain their emotions? Avoid yes and no questions. Instead ask: “Can you tell me more?” “What was that like?” “What mattered most?” “What's been weighing on you?” “How can I support you?” Get creative in your ways of signaling safety and care as you invite others into deeper intimacy.
Learn each other's communication preferences. People are different, and that's not just ok; it's beneficial. For example, some people process internally while others process out loud. I'm more of an out-loud processor, and my wife is more of an internal processor. She needs time, and I need to talk. There are pros and cons to both. Don't force someone into your style, but rather seek growth towards each other. Because I value connection, I think more before I speak. Because my wife values connection, she schedules time to sit with me so that I can get my thoughts out. Acknowledging and making space for each other is important.
Speak from your experience (without accusing them). Use “I” statements. Instead of “you never listen,” try, “I feel overlooked when I am interrupted.” This helps to reduce defensiveness. Also, bonus: never and always should never be used negatively; always. You may feel like they never take out the trash, and it may be or be very close to being the case. But condemnation is incarcerating someone in their past and preventing them from moving forward. It's labeling them, and that can lead to defensiveness, which builds walls and kills intimacy. Share how you feel and allow their love for you and commitment to better (remember tip 4) to motivate them to change.
Speak well. Relationship researcher John Gottman found that thriving relationships tend to have more positive interactions than negative ones during conflict. In football, you don’t throw to where the person is; you throw to where they’re going. Speak to the king inside, and they’ll rise to that level. Speak to the queen inside, and they’ll begin to walk like it. Genuine and specific appreciation, affirmation, and belief are salt we as believers are told to season our words with. Exercise: take turns giving genuine compliments each week. “One thing I appreciate about you this week.” “One thing I admired.”
Bonus: Schedule check-ins and give bids for connection. While conflict is an opportunity for further intimacy, all intimacy doesn’t have to come from conflict. Don’t wait until there is a problem. Schedule time for questions, understanding, and relational building. Learn yourself. Learn each other. Game nights. A weekly date night. Adventures. Projects. Time to laugh and remind each other that you are safe.
Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends and Influence People borrows from Proverbs when he argues that we should avoid criticism, condemnation, or complaint, become genuinely interested in others, and become a good listener as we seek to partner together to accomplish great things. What would become of our communities if we individually committed to grow in our communication?
